Lonely in a Good Marriage

August 24, 2015

IF ONLY . . . now those are two pretty worthless words:

If only I my husband was Godly;
If only he was kinder;
If only we had more in common;
If only I was in a truly good marriage, I wouldn’t get lonely.

Sorry. That just isn’t true. Loneliness can occur in the best of marriages.

Never in the history of humanity have two people constantly appreciated one another or loved through every thought, word, and deed. No couple shares every interest. And of course, living with someone else brings out all sorts of differences.

Can these differences be cancelled by acting in love? Rarely.

Can they be accepted through using the same loving measures? Absolutely.

I think some women enter into marriage with the misconception that “he” will meet their needs, will take care of them all the time, and they will love all the same things. “He” will fulfill every dream.
Ding-ding-ding! Idolatry!

Only God can do those things!

Even the best God-centered marriages still have two people with some differing interests. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that!

Issues arise when the “disinterested” party feels left out, unloved, and/or rejected. That feeling can sneak up on you. If allowed to worsen it will lead to painful loneliness. And unchecked loneliness is a relationship killer.

Again, the first root of the matter is relationship—with God, with your spouse, with yourself. And the second root is identity. Let me explain.

If you don’t know who you truly are and are taking your identity from being a spouse, you are believing a lie. God says you are His beloved child first. He says He is your husband and provider. His gifts may come through your earthly spouse, but they are from Him.

If you are insecure in your relationship, if you seek to manipulate and control your spouse, that is a sinful and selfish action. It’s not loving.

Partners in happy marriages do sometimes feel lonely. It’s what they do with that feeling that indicates a healthy identity and a secure relationship.

How about this:

If your husband wants to go golfing with the guys, instead of feeling sorry for yourself, bless him. Then do something you enjoy. After all, this is legitimate “me” time. Take a walk, read, call a girlfriend and go to a movie. When you are together again, compare notes.
If you have a business meeting that will make you late getting home, consider that his “me” time. Breathe a blessing on his time and activity and discuss what you both did later. This might even be a good time to have takeout—unless your hubby likes to cook!—and just enjoy each others company.

Everyone gets lonely on occasion. Married or single, working for a company or self-employed—we all get those feelings. There is no sin in the feeling. It’s only when we allow the loneliness to take over our emotions that problems arise.

And that’s when we need to draw closer to our Father.

We need Him to tell us who we really are and how much He loves us. Again. And again.

This is part 10 in a series on loneliness

Part1|One is the Loneliest Number