A Fortress is a Lonely Home

February 5, 2014

Have your boundaries become the fortress that keeps bad folks out, but also the good? I can relate. I never quite understood why I had so few friends compared to others, or why no one seemed to understand me. It’s very lonely inside the fortress.

Are you one who reacted with anger and rejection to protect yourself from ill treatment?

Some of us decided at a young age that we only had ourselves to lean on. If we were to be safe, it was up to us. The emotional boundaries we erected were strong. Too strong. Is that you?

I have some good news for you. It’s no harder (and maybe a bit easier) to take down the fortress than to build from scratch like those with flimsy boundaries have to do.

Again, get a strategy established. Decide what you can do differently when someone approaches. Don’t make yourself into a door mat—please don’t think I am saying you need to do that! No, what you need to do is to start taking out a few bricks from your walls. Believe that you are worthy of having healthy boundaries. Realize there are people you can trust, just waiting for you to give them a chance.

Start with someone you think is trustworthy. This will be someone who clearly cares about others. If they ask you to join them for coffee, agree. Choose neutral ground and transport yourself there. It will be safe. The idea is to stop saying “no” automatically to every invitation. And when a friendship starts blooming, perhaps you could be the one to suggest getting together.
Join a Bible study. It’s all right to just sit and listen for a time or two, but when you get a bit accustomed to the routine, join in the discussion. You don’t have to be brilliant, just let someone know your thoughts and feelings on a certain subject. Can you feel a brick loosening?
If someone invites you for a party or a potluck, accept. You could always tell them you can’t stay too long. This will give you a comfortable “out” if you get stressed.
Okay, now we’re starting to stretch more. Ask someone to pray for you. Maybe for something generic, like wisdom to make a good decision at work. it’s pretty hard to find someone who will turn you down. And you are letting them see beyond the defense you’ve built. Safely.

Getting the idea? Just like the other boundary-setting exercises, this is step by step. A slow process.

You will have times when you just want to chuck it all in the nearest dumpster. That’s all right. You’ve had super-strong boundaries for most of your life. You’re used to acting a certain way to defend yourself.