Why Did I Draw These Borders Here?

Everyone of us is like her own little country. And every country has boundaries or borders. Some are more lax than others. Some have checkpoints and soldiers stationed there.

Have you discovered what type of boundaries you have? Are they good or bad? How can you find out? How can they be repaired or rebuilt?

First, go back to the beginning.

  • Think about when you were growing up. Were you abused, bullied, teased? Were you ignored and your emotional needs unmet? How did you respond? Did it make you furious or did you pretend it didn’t matter? Were you afraid of rocking the boat?

In an ideal situation, your parents would have acknowledged your feelings and guided you in ideal home and fenceappropriate choices. Their training would have strengthened you.

  • What about now? How do you respond to unfair treatment? Do you stand up for what’s right or do you hide? Do you overreact by either raging or isolating yourself? Can you see where your earlier experiences molded your current behavior?

If you are having trouble deciding what type of boundaries you have, look around. Find someone who seems to act appropriately to challenges. This person will be calm, assured, and honest. They will confront a wrongdoer but not attack. They will compromise without degrading themselves. They have appropriate boundaries, owning their emotions and responses, making healthy choices. Compare your responses with theirs to help you discover if your boundaries are too strong or too weak.  If you know the person well enough, ask her how she developed those boundaries.

That person may have been taught by her family of origin, but don’t be surprised if she struggled to form them as an adult. Just like you and me.

The next stop in preparation for fixing your fences is to realize, to be absolutely convinced, that you are worthy of having good boundaries. You do not deserve to be run over by someone who shouldn’t have been let in at all. You also do not deserve to be a prisoner in a dungeon of your own making. Be honest.

pleasant boundary


God says great things about you. (I’ll bet your friends do, too). Ask God to reveal the truth about how He sees you. Listen for the answer without fear. He never condemns His children. “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus . . .” (Romans 8:1, NKJV). This is only one reference to His love for us. If you haven’t already done it, look up and memorize others so they are handy when you need them.


You may need to talk to a counselor, pastor, or wise friend about this. If you continue to believe lies about yourself that make it hard to accept your own worth, it will be that much harder to repair or replace the unhealthy boundaries.

You may have some unhealthy soul ties.  Check out Blessed be the (Soul) Ties That Bind . . . or Not

You might have some forgiving to do. Read Reduce Rage, Promote Peace: You CAN Forgive

Ask God to reveal these issues and then follow through on His leading.

One more thing: don’t get discouraged. Fixing unhealthy boundaries isn’t a one-time thing. It will take lots of time and practice to get it right.

The important thing is to start.


part 2 of a 5 part series on boundaries

Next time: when your boundaries are too weak

Part 1| Protect Yourself with BHB**

Part 3| Weak and Wobbly Walls


illustrations courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net